Your Guide To Islamic Conferences

Written by: Hamzah Moin

Islamic Conferences can be grand. It’s a time where people from all across the nation come together to learn about our great religion. However when you got the largest Muslim gathering in the West occuring, you’re bound to run into some speedbumps along the way. I’d like to take a close look at the people you might bump into at an upcoming Islamic conference:

The Volunteer

These are the bread and butter of most Islamic conferences because they’re always there for a helping hand. I mean we can’t really judge the intention of all volunteers but I know half of them are only there to get a little you-know-what. Cha-ching. I’m not sure what you’re thinking of but I’m talking about good deeds. Most volunteers are volunteering for the sake of Allah (SWT) I’m sure?

I feel sorry for most of them though. Nobody really cares that they exist.

“Please brothers and sisters! Can we make two lines and fill up the front seats first?!”
Amount of people that will listen: Zero.

“Please brothers and sisters! We need donations. This organization cannot survive without your donations!!”
Amount of people that will listen: Zero.

“Please brothers and sisters! Someone has double parked outside and the speaker can’t enter the parking lot! You must remove your car!”
Amount of people that will listen: Zero.

Most volunteers tend to marry each other and produce more volunteers into the world so the cycle works out pretty good.

Secret Security Service

These types of volunteers are freaking weird. They’re like high class and they always wear suits. Apparently when a top-billing speaker/scholar is about to speak, they go nuts and do everything they possibly can to ensure the speaker arrives at the platform safely.

This is what happened to me once:

“You there,” said the Secret Security Agent, “come here.”
I scurried over. “Yes sir?”
“Are you a volunteer here?”
“Yes sir.”
“Are you aware that Sheikh Abdullah is coming at 20:00 hours? That give us T-Minus 3 hours for evacuation.”
“And uh… what?”
“What is your exit strategy? What happens if he gets mugged? What happens if he wants to go the washroom? What happens if his mother calls? WHAT IS YOUR COURSE OF ACTION SOLDIER?”

I didn’t have one naturally. These people were barking at me and my friends for assuming the speaker could just walk right in the main entrance and walk right out. Apparently we had to make this next-level map on a napkin.

Amazing isn’t it? Unfortunately the speaker decided to be normal though and opted to walk through the main entrance and walk back out.

Progressive Group

This group of “Muslims” pretty much just come to Islamic conferences so they can cause chaos and write about it on their “Prog Blogs”. The extreme left is just as inane as the extreme right.

What they don’t know is that nobody gives a damn about what Progressives have to say anyway.


Most niqaabis I wouldn’t second-guess. Anyone covering head-to-toe is the real deal. But the ones at Islamic conferences seem a bit bizarre. Once I was walking by this niqaabi and she said “Assalamu Alaikum” but the problem was her voice was deeper than mine, wore some really nice sneakers and was the size of a basketball player. This “niqaabi” looked at me and gave me a wink. Naturally, I know real niqaabis wouldn’t do this so I made the following conclusion:


Although judging by these bizarre Stalkers and Scary Aunties, it’s no surprise why some folks decide to go all out. Too many horndogs amongst us.


Ever notice in the corner of your eye someone who is watching you? Ever get the chilly feeling that this person always seems to be there whenever you turn your head? That’s because its true… it means you have a stalker.

Fear not. Stalkers for the most part don’t have the guts to say anything to you. They just watch from afar and admire you and dream of one day of meeting you. You might find the brave stalker who will say “Assalamu Alaikum” but it would probably just be a normal Salam. Unless the stalker WINKS while saying it. And lick his/her lips. Then you know you got the real deal. If that’s the case run like hell.

Scary Aunties

Similar to Stalkers by nature, only rather than the marriage-deprived guys/girls doing the stalking, its the mother looking for a new addition to the family.

Scary Auntie: Excuse me girl… how are you?
Girl: Um fine.
Scary Auntie: mashAllah great. So what do you do?
Girl: I umm in university
Scary Auntie: mashAllah you have fair skin.
Girl: Well I am a convert and…
Scary Auntie: My son is in med school, mashAllah.
Girl: I have to go…
Scary Auntie: mashAllah.

Later on you might be flipping through one of those Islamic convention magazines and find your phone number somehow (mysteriously) listed in the matrimonial section. I wonder…


Probably the most annoying of the bunch are the Lobbyists also called “desperate losers”. As soon as the last session ends, out comes the shady folk (who didn’t attend a single session all conference) to “get-to-know” one another. Hijabi one minute … off with the hijab the next. Beardo one minute … off with the beard the next. Awrah covered one minute … off with the pants the next. The list goes on.

Things to do to screw up Lobbyist meet-up plans:

  • - Do some late night Isha prayers in the Hotel lobby. Get someone to give the athaan in the midst of the MackFest.
  • - Sing Nasheeds loudly.
  • - Just stand there and stare at everyone closely without saying anything.
  • - Perhaps give a khutbah on unity because everyone loves that topic.
  • - Bring your sleeping bags and sleep on the hotel lobby floor and shout out “Pipe down, I’m trying to sleep.”
  • - Go up to any couple making out and say “Congratulations on your nikkah”.
  • - You’ll probably end up praying Fajr there too.
  • Anti-Lobbyists

    If there is anyone more annoying than Lobbyists it would have be the Anti-Lobbyists. These individuals make it sound like the entire Islamic conference is a giant Fitna Factory when in reality its only an extremely small fraction. They also think ANY sort of intergender talking is shady.

    Guy: So … did you like the session?
    Girl: Yeah… heehee. It was really good.
    Girl: Why?
    Guy: But she’s my sister.
    Anti-Lobbyist: ASTAGFIR-… oh. Carry on.

    These people are annoying and will try to get you stop coming to Islamic conferences altogether. They don’t really have a solution to the Lobbyist problem… they just complain like broken records. They just complain like broken records. They just complain like broken records.

    Others will try to make anti-[name of Islamic convention here] shirts in order to be cool and controversial. Here’s a flash for you joy-boy: you’re not cool nor controversial nor funny. Stop ruining the conference for the masses and stop trying to be some stupid Islamic daredevil… suck it up and enjoy the conference.

    Oh right I forgot to mention the people that attend sessions. They’re cool too.