Zionist Teacher Defends Right of Self-Defense

Written by: Hamzah Moin

NEW YORK – In what was an obvious act of self-defense at Filly Steen Elementary School, Emmanuel Schulmanburg, a teacher of Zionist persuasion was found with a pen mark across his shirt. “I can’t believe my shirt has this ugly pen mark… I just got it from Harry Rosen too.” The Zionist teacher felt as if he was being attacked by some hostile Arab students in his class and as a courageous act of self-defense, beat the Arab perpetrators silly until they were a bloody pulp.

The three guilty Arab boys, Faddy Al-Fayed (6), Shady Shokr (7) and Haytham Harb. (5) all suffered concussions and other bruises after they received a massive beat-down from the Zionist teacher. Other teachers of Zionist leanings joined in on the beat-down.

“I completely agreed with Schulmanburg’s response,” said Mr. Foxworthy, teacher of Grade 9 Communications & Media Studies, “he was completely in line and self-defense is an absolutely appropriate response. It’s so appropriate I won’t even bother listening to the kids’ point of view.”

The beat-down lasted weeks and the Zionist teachers essentially had full autonomy to hand out discipline to any Arab student that even made eye contact to a teacher. “One time I was trying to glance at the clock but a teacher thought I was looking at him so I got detention for three weeks” said one anonymous Kindergarten Arab student, “so now I have to walk through the hallways with my eyes closed and I keep bumping into things.”

Other areas of the school have become “No-Student” zones and are simply empty hallways that were once ripe with Arab children playing patty cake with one another. The principal, Georgie Wilber Bullsworth II, was unavailable to comment although he seemed to allow and even encourage the teachers to continue the beat-down.

The Arab kids at Filly Steen school haven’t had it easy though. After 6,000 Jewish schools in Europe were shut down in the 50’s due to shoddy workmanship, it was decided by some smarmy British folks to simply move all the disenfranchised students from the closed schools to Filly Steen Elementary school. Despite a massive influx of students, the school did not restructure for some reason. The one set of bathrooms in the school became a pigsty ironically, despite a school-wide ban on pigs.

Arab kids felt that after the merger they have been receiving a lackluster education. Some students even fail to get the basic needs of their education. “It feels like I’ve been in kindergarten for eternity. It’s like these teachers have it in for me. I mean kindergarten should be easy as pie.” explained Bashir Bakr, 21.

Many people around the world showed support to the beaten up Arab students. “I dedicated my Facebook status so I can feel good about myself,” said Sheila Ali, “and now I don’t have to do anything.”

Other outraged Muslims simply attend ongoing protests and join the countless amount of Facebook groups to feel good about themselves. An anonymous rally junkie explained, “I attended this protest the other day and everyone was shouting things and burning stuff. I never knew that being aimlessly angry can feel that good.”

The parents of the beaten students have some hope though. “It seems the teachers are just trying to get as many beat-downs before this new principal comes in. Osama Mubarak or something” said Ali. “I mean if they propose some sort of cease-beatdown a day before his inauguration it has to be a coincidence right?”