7 Shades of Segregation — Maniac Muslim

Dec 5

Dec 5 7 Shades of Segregation

Written by: Hamzah Moin Ever been to a wedding or Islamic event only to arrive completely disappointed at the segregation setup? Whether it’s a wedding or an MSA event, the way we segregate the event will leave some people happy, and other people uber-angry because they couldn’t get their game on OR there was too much game-playing going on.

Everyone has their own preferences and I lay them all out in detail… next time ask the event organizer what shade of segregation their event has:

Sisters-At-Home Segregation

Imagine getting to a wedding hall with your family only to be greeted by a young gloomy looking Muslim man.

Something seems off. There are only men inside.

You ask: “Hey uhhh… is this Sumaiya’s wedding? I got the invite and-” “Ummm yeah. Sumaiya is my sister. This is the happiest day of my life” says the gloomy guy, lowering his gaze yet frowning happily.

He tells you that your wife and daughters will cause too much fitna so they have to wait in the car the entire night. ‘Sisters shouldn’t socialize’ says the gloomy guy.

You realize that the bride herself isn’t even at her own wedding. You still see the usual setup of two chairs on stage but instead of the groom and bride sitting on the stage looking pretty it’s the groom and the bride’s gloomy brother. No wonder he was so ‘happy’.

Everyone looks disappointed because they weren’t aware there would be a lack of XX chromosomes.

Different-Rooms Segregation

One step up from the Sisters-At-Home Segregation is when they’re allowed to come but they have to be in a different room. Many sisters actually like this option because they have the freedom to wear whatever they want.

Some sisters unfortunately use this newfound opportunity to dress a little provocatively. Even Lady Gaga would get shy at some of these gatherings. How do I know all this? I have a source on the inside.

Anyway The-Guys-Side totally sucks. We’re usually entertained by some dweeb who we can barely hear because he doesn’t know how to use a mic. He either whispers into the mic as if he’s telling it some sort of secret or screams into it on top of his lungs, our ears bleeding in the process.

We also hear how awesome the sisters side is. The-Guys-Side has some lame nasheeds in the background… the Sisters side? Heavy techno and lots of screaming. Every single guy in the crowd thinks the sisters are having some sort of rave. Probably not that far from the truth.

With both genders being cooped up in a room, look for frequent “bathroom breaks” in the neutral zone. Nothing more romantic than putting your game on next to the men’s room.

The-Wall Segregation

Ah, the infamous Berlin Wall. The-Wall is both well-loved and extremely-hated at the same time. Brothers and sisters are finally in the same room but there’s a giant wall separating them. They can hear each other… but alas, they can’t see each other. Shakespeare must have been inspired by The-Wall because it sounds like a great plot for an Epic Romance Tragedy.

Those who love The-Wall? Privacy lovers… and I guess those who love the apartheid (no relation between the two groups).

Those who hate The-Wall? Anyone who spent over two hours getting ready for the event.

Some events get creative with The-Wall. It can either be a giant barricade of curtains… or a giant wall of balloons … or a line of people holding giant pieces of cardboard. Whatever The-Wall looks like, it has the same purpose.

Unfortunately some people get really creepy with the wall:

Astagfirullah. And then you have people getting really close to The-Wall… communicating with anyone who they can make a connection with. It’s like a blind date… Astagfirullah.

Open Segregation

This is the most-common setup at most Muslim events: guys on one side of the room, girls on the other side. You’ll notice at events with Open Segregation have a lot more people squinting… that’s because people are trying to peer across the room.

After you’re tired of squinting, you’ll notice that one table isn’t following the mandatory-segregated-seating. At every Muslim wedding this table tends to be above the law: the OWP’s. The Obligatory White People.

Every Muslim wedding has a table of confused looking white people… co-workers from work or classmates or something. Either way they look scared… and confused. Scared because they’re getting a lot of looks from people. Perhaps it was because they made the mistake of coming to a Muslim wedding on time? Or is it because they are the only ones in the room getting any actual attention from the hosts? It’s probably because they’re the only table that’s mixed in the largely segregated affair.

I guess the hosts feel the white folks will feel out of place if they’re all segregated. Nonsense I say! White people love the ‘Muslim experience’. They should go what all Muslims go through: years and years of awkward sexual tension until you get a phone call from a desperate aunty wanting a marriage proposal for her kid. None of this mixed table shortcuts.

"Family" Section Segregation

The “Family” Section aka the poorly planned Open Segregation. This usually happens when a defiant couple insists they should sit together, disregarding any sort of seating plan the hosts had in mind.

Family Sections by definition aren’t that bad… families like to sit with families. Cousins with other cousins. New couples with other new couples.

It starts getting shady when the people using the Family Section are filled with people trying to MAKE families… if you catch my drift.

At most Muslim events, this for some reason is the most popular section to sit in. *smirks*

Mixed Segregation

Uh oh. Now it’s getting harder and harder to lower your gaze. In this particular setup, segregated tables are a minority. Want to sit alone amongst people of the same gender as you? Sure… you can sit in that corner… under those cobwebs and right by that deafening speaker.

Tables-with-the-same-gender are either filled with 5-year-old kids or single people. If only we can get that table of shy single brothers to meet that table of shy single sisters… hmmm. Then they wouldn’t look so sad anymore.