Accidentally saying insha'Allah to your boss in an email
From: Hank Richmond <hrichmond@...>To: Tarek Abushukr <tabushukr@...> Time: August 28th, 9:04am Subject: Final Q3 Reports?
Hi Tarek,
I know it's been a slow first week for you as you're still synergizing with our corporate culture but I was wondering if you could provide the final Q3 deck by EOD today. I believe the only thing that needed to be cleaned up was the slide on Supply Chain management.
Also, if possible, we need some more pictures of cats in the presentation as the client likes cat pictures. I'll be meeting with her tomorrow.
Thanks,
Hank Richmond Group Account Director
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From: Tarek Abushukr <tabushukr@...> To: Hank Richmond <hrichmond@...> Time: August 28th, 9:09am Subject: Re: Final Q3 Reports?
Hi Hank!
No problem. I can send them before EOD (end of day) actually as I've become extremely proficient at Microsoft Powerpoint as I received the Computer Science award in Grade 10 (which you probably saw that on my CV's "Award's Page.")
Expect the changes in your inbox by 4:25pm insha'Allah.
Regards,
Tarek Abushukr Account Manager
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From: Hank Richmond <hrichmond@...> To: Amin Singh <asingh@...> Time: August 28th, 9:31am Subject: Fwd: Re: Final Q3 Reports?
Hello Amin,
You're in IT so you might have some insight on this... I hope you don't take offence but I was wondering if you can understand Tarek's last sentence.... "insha'Allah". What does that mean exactly? I believe it is in Indian.
Thanks,
Hank Richmond Group Account Director
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From: Amin Singh <asingh@...> To: Hank Richmond <hrichmond@...> Time: August 28th, 9:38am Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Final Q3 Reports?
Hi Hank,
Several things:
1. Though Tarek sort of looks like me (though he is missing the giant red turban) he is actually from Iraq. 2. Indian is not a language. 3. It takes more effort to email someone an issue like this than to just Google it. 4. Can you please stop emailing me about translating things? 5. I'm not in IT.
Aminpreet Singh Financial Anaylst
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From: Hank Richmond <hrichmond@...> To: Amin Singh<asingh@...> Time: August 28th, 9:45am Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Final Q3 Reports?
Okay thanks Amin. I just Googled it. It means "if God wills". Is this something significant in the Hindu tradition?
Thanks,
-Hank
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From: Amin Singh <asingh@...> To: Tarek Abushukr <tabushukr@...> Time: August 28th, 9:49am Subject: Your boss is an idiot. EOM
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From: Tarek Abushukr <tabushukr@...> To: Mama <ummtarek90210@...>, Baba <obtimusbrime111@...> Time: August 28th, 9:52am Subject: Loving my job.
Salams Mama and Baba,
First week of the job is going awesomely. I think everyone loves me here. I have been asked to complete a major presentation deck for a client expected to be in the Fortune500. They hold multiple certifications like ISO 9001, Gold-Star excellence award for excellence and a 'Thank you' card from Thorndale Elementary for our generous donations to their school.
I cannot name the client at this time but let's just say you're probably breathing in their products as we speak.
Regards,
Tarek Abushukr Account Manager Best Son Ever
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From: Hank Richmond <hrichmond@...> To: Ian Frankfurter <ifrankfurter@...> Time: August 28th, 10:01am Subject: Potential issue with an employee
Hi Ian,
I've learned some interesting insight about a new hire of mine. Tarek, the Account Manager I hired recently shared some troubling words to me. In a recent email, he wrote "if God wills" in Arabic and found out through some aggressive Google searching and some IT consulting from Aminpreet that it's an Islamic phrase.
I don't want to be insensitive but I hope he doesn't break out into Islamicness at a future client meeting. Imagine we're about to close the deal then he slips into Arabic without knowing? That would be a deal-breaker.
I might just be a bit paranoid but I just want to make sure you're aware of it.
Thanks,
Hank Richmond Group Account Director
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From: Ian Frankfurter <ifrankfurter@...> To: Hank Richmond <hrichmond@...> Time: August 28th, 10:10am Subject: Re: Potential issue with an employee
Hank,
This isn't good. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. I saw a feature on Fox News about people uttering Arabic phrases casually. More often than not they turn into terrorists what with ISIS and all.
I want to escalate this issue further as this could be damaging to our company's brand. Perhaps you should meet with Tarek over lunch and casually bring up budget cuts and how we won't be able to keep certain Account Managers. This will play it safe and he won't suspect why he was let go. He might be confused because we just hired him but if you take him out to that new sub place that opened up that has those amazing pulled pork sandwiches he'd probably be too distracted to realize what's going on.
Ian Frankfurter Senior Vice President, Operations
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From: Ian Frankfurter <ifrankfurter@...> To: Michael Haddock <mhaddock@...> Time: August 28th, 10:14am Subject: Termination of new employee
Hi Mike,
I wanted to let you know that Hank and I were able to save our company from a potential terror threat. Please consult with HR regarding hiring practices so we can flag down potential threats in the future.
Some recommended flags:
- Arabic names - Muslim Students Association - Veils and Turbans - Long Beards - If they mention their favourite food is shwarmas
Thanks,
Ian Frankfurter Senior Vice President, Operations
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From: Michael Haddock <mhaddock@...> To: Ian Frankfurter <ifrankfurter@...> Time: August 28th, 10:14am Subject: Automatic Reply: Termination of new employee
I will be out of my office from 9am to 12pm today and working on an RFP for a client, having lunch between 12pm to 1pm, off-site at a client's warehouse from 1pm to 3pm, a doctor's appointment at 3pm and meeting with the mayor's office at 4pm.
Later, my wife will be having her C-section at 5:30pm and as a dutiful husband I will be there to watch the birth of my 2nd daughter. At 9pm I will be catching a flight to Mexico where I will be spending some time in solitude in a non-refundable vacation (but my wife believes it to be an extremely important working trip so please do not say anything to her or my new baby daughter).
I will respond to your message upon my return. If it's an emergency, please email Ian Frankfurter at <ifrankfurther@...> If it's a real emergency then please dial 911.
Cheers,
Michael Haddock President
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From: Hank Richmond <hrichmond@...> To: Tarek Abushukr <tabushukr@...> Time: August 28th, 10:16am Subject: Lunch?
Hi Tarek,
I was wondering if you wanted to grab a quick bite to eat for lunch? Company is buying. It'll just be me and you.
Hank Richmond Group Account Director
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From: Tarek Abushukr <tabushukr@...> To: Hank Richmond <hrichmond@...> Time: August 28th, 10:19am Subject: Re: Lunch?
Hi Hank!
I have actually already eaten my lunch actually. I know it's not even 10:30 yet but I like to get things done early, including all my meals. My mother tells me that when she was pregnant with me that I came out two weeks before the expected delivery date so doing things early is sort of second nature to me. I believe I explained my 'being early addiction' on the Habits page on my CV.
You go ahead without me. Make sure to stay away from any red meats.
Regards,
Tarek Abushukr Account Manager
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From: Hank Richmond <hrichmond@...> To: Ian Frankfurter <ifrankfurter@...> Time: August 28th, 10:31am Subject: Fwd: Re: Lunch?
Ian,
Tarek seems to be ducking me. I think something is up. He said I should avoid eating red meat... how did he know I have high cholesterol?
Is it possible that he has unauthorized access our database? Or our medical records? Or our search history? (I don't have anything to hide though...)
Regards,
Hank Richmond Group Account Director
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From: Ian Frankfurter <ifrankfurter@...> To: Hank Richmond <hrichmond@...> Time: August 28th, 10:43am Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Lunch?
Hank,
This isn't good. I saw in a documentary that a lot of these homegrown terrorist guys have the ability to hack highly secure databases.
It's highly likely we've already been compromised. We need to handle his termination delicately otherwise we risk a cyber-terrorist incident of epic proportions. It's possible he's already reading these emails. We can't even call the authorities as I'm sure he's tracking that and the second we alert the police... Boom.
I'll invite myself to the lunch session to make it seem very important.
Please consult with IT to increase security so we can plan accordingly. Our phones are probably already bugged.
Ian Frankfurter Senior Vice President, Operations
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From: Hank Richmond <hrichmond@...> To: Amin Singh <asingh@...> Time: August 28th, 10:45am Subject: IT Security
Hi Amin,
We're going to need more security on our server and our emails as we have a potential cyber terrorist threat.
Please make sure our firewall has been optimized so nobody can hack our IP addresses and upload crippling malware, adware and shareware to our server through DNS and TCP/IP attacks and other nefarious schemes.
Hank Richmond Group Account Director
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From: Amin Singh <asingh@...> To: Human Resources <hr@...> Time: August 28th, 10:53am Subject: Resignation
Hello Susan,
I like to officially tender my resignation effective immediately. As someone who has completed his CPA, I need a job where I'm doing financial analysis and not trying to fix people's Windows 8 issues because I "seem like a tech support guy"
I normally would give a two weeks notice but honestly the only references I would get here are things like "great at computers" or "fixed my Outlook".
Good riddance,
Aminpreet Singh Financial Anaylst
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From: Ian Frankfurter <ifrankfurter@...> To: Tarek Abushukr <tabushukr@...> CC: Hank Richmond <hrichmond@...> Time: August 28th, 10:54am Subject: Meeting at 12pm
Hello Tarek,
I believe we met during your orientation. My name is Ian and I oversee all Operations at <...>. I heard that you're fixing up the presentation deck for the client meeting? We really appreciate that.
Initially Hank was going to do lunch with you but since you already had lunch we can instead do a working meeting at noon to discuss some new directions for the company. This is high priority.
See you then.
Ian Frankfurter Senior Vice President, Operations
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From: Tarek Abushukr <tabushukr@...> To: Mama <ummtarek90210@...>, Baba <obtimusbrime111@...> Time: August 28th, 10:57am Subject: Got a meeting with the SVP
Salam Mama and Baba
They seemed to like the work I'm doing here and want me to meet with the SVP (Senior Vice President). He has over 20 years of experience in our industry and has received over 300 recommendations according to his LinkedIn profile. His top qualities include Creating Sustainable Solutions, 360 Strategic Insight and Snowboarding.
Oh, watch your red meat in-take. Just read an article this morning of its harmful impact on our health so I'm warning everyone I speak with.
Regards,
Tarek Abushukr Account Manager Best Son Ever
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From: Tarek Abushukr <tabushukr@...> To: Ian Frankfurter <ifrankfurter@...> CC: Hank Richmond <hrichmond@...> Time: August 28th, 11:01am Subject: Re: Meeting at 12pm
Hello Mr. Ian,
It's been a pleasure to meet you. I definitely have many ideas for the company's direction as well. I hope you take my suggestions seriously as the company's future will be permanently changed for the better if these suggestions are implemented.
I have successfully passed motions in my Grade 8 Student Council and I suggested a uniform change for my indoor soccer team (they had requested green but I felt hot pink jerseys make us stand out more and see each other better on the field... it was a challenge to get pink socks though but I have my methods).
Retards,
Tarek Abushukr Account Manager
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From: Hank Richmond <hrichmond@...> To: Ian Frankfurter <ifrankfurter@...> Time: August 28th, 11:09am Subject: Fwd: Re: Meeting at 12pm
Ian, what should we do? Not only is he subtly saying that he has changes "we can't refuse," but he's also saying we are retarded which is highly unprofessional.
And I think this pink socks thing is a metaphor. Perhaps the changes mean to implement Sharia at the workplace? I wouldn't be surprised.
Hank Richmond Group Account Director
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From: Ian Frankfurter <ifrankfurter@...> To: Tarek Abushukr <tabushukr@...> CC: Hank Richmond <hrichmond@...>, Human Resources <hr@...> Time: August 28th, 11:17am Subject: Fwd: Re: Meeting at 12pm
Tarek,
We'll also be including HR at the meeting.
Ian Frankfurter Senior Vice President, Operations
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From: Tarek Abushukr <tabushukr@...> To: Mama <ummtarek90210@...>, Baba <obtimusbrime111@...> Time: August 28th, 11:21am Subject: I think I'm getting fired
Beloved parents,
I re-read my last email I sent to my boss and his boss and I realized I accidentally wrote something inappropriate in my sign-off.
I should have written "Regards," in my signature but I felt that people could tell if something was automated which is why I wrote out my sign-off each time. Felt more 'from the heart' you know?
Anyway this is probably my last day at work. I can feel it. I have experience in getting fired as I was let go from my co-op job in 2013 and McDonalds in 2008 so I'm gotten used to the dreaded feeling.
Tarek Abushukr Account Manager
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From: Baba <obtimusbrime111@...> To: Mama <ummtarek90210@...>, Tarek Abushukr <tabushukr@...> Time: August 28th, 11:27am Subject: Re: I think I'm getting fired
ASSALAMU ALAYKUM WARAHMATALLAHI WABARAKATUHU SON
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. THEY R ALWAYS LOOKING 4 EXCUSES TO FIRE MUSLIMS. THEY HIRE THEN FIRE US SO WE CAN B HUMILIATED. THIS IS THE PROBLEM WITH THESE BUSINESS TYPES.
IF YOU BECAME AN ENGINEER THIS WOULDNT BE HAPPENING THOUGH.
WE STILL LOVE YOU.
-BABA
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From: Human Resources <hr@...> To: Ian Frankfurter <ifrankfurter@...>, Hank Richmond <hrichmond@...> Time: August 28th, 11:31am Subject: Please stop
Hank, Ian,
I'm not entirely sure what's going on upstairs but based off my inbox blowing up this morning I find that there are a lot of malpractices occurring by upper management in regards to their employees.
We cannot discriminate or terminate any employee because of their creed or religious beliefs. There is already email evidence suggesting a termination would take place because of this. No, we cannot delete those emails... a back-up is always saved. No, we cannot delete that back-up, so don't suggest that.
If you terminate the aforementioned employee, he will have the right to sue us and we won't win.
Susan Smyth Human Resources
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From: Hank Richmond <hrichmond@...> To: Ian Frankfurter <ifrankfurter@...> Time: August 28th, 11:47am Subject: Re: Please stop
Ian,
I have a suggestion that would make everyone happy and allow us to get on Tarek's good side so he doesn't do anything bad to us in case he is a terrorist.
Will come to your office to discuss in person.
Hank Richmond Group Account Director
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From: Tarek Abushukr <tabushukr@...> To: Mama <ummtarek90210@...>, Baba <obtimusbrime111@...> Time: August 28th, 12:36pm Subject: Promoted
Salam!!!
I just got promoted! I have no idea why as I really didn't know what I was doing but I guess I sounded very confident. They even offered me an IT position which apparently had recently opened up but I wanted something in my field. Ian and Hank seemed more nervous than me, especially when I reached into my jacket pocket to pull out my pen to sign the new contract.
Thanks Mama for suggesting to slip-in my personal accomplishments whenever possible.
I have used this successful tactic many times even at home when I complimented your cooking (despite not liking the food) and you allowed me to have some extra dessert.
Tarek Abushukr Senior Account Manager
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