France Bans Croissants — Maniac Muslim

PARIS – In a stunning move, France’s president Jax Shirack went ahead and banned the country’s most symbolic and prolific breakfast food: the croissant. ”When we said we wanted to ban all religious symbols because we’re the most secular country on earth… we really, really, really meant it” explained Shirack.

In what is quite possibly the country’s most uncanny ban since the religious headgear ban, Shirack went ahead and banned croissants from the country because it resembled the crescent symbol that is attributed to the Muslims. Shirack noted, “If you squint hard enough it looks like the Muslim crescent thingy.”

Last year, the French government banned all forms of religious headgear or expression which included the Muslim hijab, Christian crosses, Jewish skull caps and Sikh turbans. The government feels that croissants are too similar to the Muslim crescent symbol so a ban was necessary.

Some citizens in France feel that the croissant ban is going too far. “I went to the supermarket and all the croissants were gone. I used to eat croissants for breakfast, lunch and dinner” said an anonymous livid citizen.

The French government isn’t finished their work though. Talks of banning mathematics because it promotes addition and multiplication (both with symbols that resemble the Christian cross) which are thought to be too religious for such a secular state. Strong advocate of the religious symbol ban was Jean Paul Pucelle. “I think we are doing a good job of ridding this country from religious evilness. Crime hasn’t decreased or anything yet but I think the country will become safer eventually” Pucelle explained.

Other citizens believe that the ban was ineffective from the very start.

“I think it’s stupid” said another female citizen. “When I got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my head to let my hair dry, I went outside to go fetch the newspaper. The police saw me and arrested me and now I have a criminal record.”

Shirack remains confident though. “Banning the croissant is only the beginning.”