Your Average Eid
Written by: Hamzah Moin
Eid Day
3:30am: This is it! Time for Eid! FINALLY! How I missed those Egg & Cheese Sandwiches. Why do they start serving breakfast sandwiches AFTER sahoor time? Preposterous.
3:35am: My biological alarm clock is set for 4am but I’m just way too excited. Forget it, no harm in waking up early.
3:55am: I’m ALL done ironing all my clothes. Ironing on Eid makes things more exciting. Now to wake up the others.
3:58am: First up: The Wife.
3:59am: Ow. My ears hurt. Never heard her yell like that since last Eid.
4:00am: I thought The Wife would be happier that it’s Eid… I imagined more infectious laughter and less shouting and insults. Oh well, I’ll let her sleep for 10 more minutes. I was voted Husband of the Year by my friends last year because I do nice things like this.
4:06am: I’m the Human Snooze Alarm because I have the ability to remember to wake up people exactly after 10 minutes. I can even make those realistic alarm noises. That’s why we haven’t bought any alarm clocks in our house.
4:08am: Time is ticking for The Wife. Tick tock. Tick tock.
4:09am: Here comes the Human Snooze Alarm! Beep! Beep!
4:10am: The Wife still is upset that I’m waking her up too early. We agreed on 5am but we’re gonna be so late now. Definitely won’t make the front row.
4:45am: I have now re-ironed all my Eid clothes and work clothes for the rest of the month.
4:54am: Showered with warp speed.
5:00am: Beep-Beep time for The Wife.
5:01am: The Wife is waking up but I could swear she was muttering something under her breath. Probably how much she loves me?
5:05am: Now to wake up The Daughter.
5:06am: The Daughter is pumped up for Eid. Good for her. Eid is a happy day. Every 5-year old should be like this.
5:15am: The Wife went back to sleep.
5:16am: I sprinkled some water on The Wife. She is not waking up.
5:17am: I sort of poured the rest of the cup of water on The Wife. She is definitely awake. And very angry. But this is the day of Eid. So I’m happy.
5:20am: The Daughter says she will clean her room so it’s ready when people come over. How cute.
5:29am: Time to wake up the last one.
5:30am: The Baby Son was already awake, standing up in the crib and smiling. Another excited Eid family member.
5:32am: Put the little guy in the play area. He sure is excited.
5:35am: Wife has finally started showering.
5:40am: Holy smokes I almost forgot to pray Fajr.
5:42am: Fajr completed. Had to short sura it up because we’re gonna be leaving soon.
5:52am: Wife is still showering!
5:53am: At this rate, we won’t even make the second row.
5:58am: The Daughter’s clean is relatively clean, but where is The Daughter?
6:01am: The Daughter is waiting downstairs and shouted that she’s ready. Excellent.
6:10am: Why is The Wife still showering?! What’s going on in there! This is going to be a killer hydro bill.
6:11am: The Wife literally fell asleep showering. We’re probably going to be sitting in the nosebleed section at this rate.
6:15am: The Daughter was waiting by the foyer thinking she was ready. But she’s still wearing her Dora the Explorer pajamas.
6:17am: I am now having a shouting match with my daughter on why she can’t wear pajamas on Eid. Cartoons are corrupting children. They think they can wear pajamas everywhere.
6:20am: The Wife has started getting ready. She should be done soon.
6:25am: The Baby Son has fallen asleep in the play area between his train tracks and Hot Wheels Dragon Mountain play set. What is it with this family and sleep? Must be the Rooh Afza hangover.
6:26am: The Baby Son is being bratty and doesn’t want to wake up.
6:27am: I am now having a shouting match with my 10-month old son. Why am I losing?
6:29am: The Daughter has now come in and is now trying to defend her brother. A tag-team effort?
6:30am: I have now threatened my children that if they don’t shut up and get ready in 10 minutes that I’d switch their Eid gifts, no questions asked.
6:31am: This shut both of them up. This is Eid. Supposed to be a happy day.
6:35am: The Wife should be ready by now.
6:36am: The Wife doesn’t look like she made much progress.
6:40am: The Daughter now has fallen asleep rebelliously.
6:41am: The Baby Son has pooped in his diapers rebelliously.
6:42am: I shouted from the top of my lungs to let the entire family know I mean business. We should have left 30 minutes ago!!
6:43am: But it is Eid so I’m smiling as I’m yelling.
6:45am: Changing The Baby Son’s diapers. I have become a pro at this.
6:46am: The Baby Son is peeing all over the place.
6:48am: I now have a funky-looking urine pattern all over my Eid outfit.
6:49am: Time to bust out the back-up Eid outfit. Good thing I ironed this for no reason this morning.
6:50am: All ready. The Wife is still getting ready. She doesn’t look much different than she did 40 minutes ago. She didn’t appreciate me saying that either.
6:55am: The Wife has miraculously gotten ready within minutes and looks completely different. How do they do it?
6:56am: I think we’re ready to go! If we leave now we can make the first congregation. I don’t want to get stuck in the second prayer. It’s more of a fashion show anyway.
6:58am: The Daughter is now whining about not getting anything to eat. NO TIME.
6:59am: The Baby Son is now crying.
7:00am: The Wife is now telling me to buy some bagels. NO WAY. You might as well get ready for Zuhr with how late we’re going.
7:01am: The kids are becoming unruly.
7:02am: I have decided to go with my initial punishment: switch Eid gifts of the kids.
7:03am: The Daughter now has an ABC’s Colouring Book. She doesn’t seem happy.
7:04am: The Baby Son now has a cute new kiddie make-up kit. He doesn’t seem happy.
7:05am: The Wife wanted me to consult her first before handing out discipline. She doesn’t seem happy.
7:06am: I am happy because it is Eid and Eid is a happy day.
7:10am: OFF we go!
7:15am: Almost there… why was this ride so quiet?
7:16am: I have left the family at home by accident…
7:17am: Turning around.
7:22am: The family is still waiting for me on the driveway. They don’t seem happy.
7:23am: OFF we go! Again!
7:30am: Arriving at the hall…
7:35am: Wait a minute. There’s nobody here.
7:40am: Eid is tomorrow.
