Agitating Adjectives to Islam

Written by: Hamzah Moin I've always wondered why political pundits are obsessed with adding some crazy adjective to Islam. I think it's because they want to talk about terrorism BUT also try to link Islam to it but that'd be politically incorrect. I have to give it to them... they sure know how to make us Muslims seem a lot more interesting. Adding those adjectives to make some sort of abstract connection to terrorism gives us more spice.

I've pointed out all the most popular "distorted" Islams that they conjured and drew out what those "Islams" actually mean to regular Muslims like me.

Radical Islam

This one is getting traction in the news and it's about time. The Radical Muslim scene is just far out. Totally tubular. Radical Muslims adhere to Radical Islam and it's about time they're getting media coverage.

This is one of the "cooler" Islams and I'm glad to see the political pundits giving it the necessary spotlight. They do say that a lot of terrorists come from this line of thinking which makes me realize that these so-called-terrorists are inspired by the Ninja Turtles. Be suspicious of anyone who grew up watching Ninja Turtles... oh wait ... dammit.

Fanatical Islam

Not a big fan of this Islam. Fanatical Muslims' crazy obsession to female pop stars like Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber are just unhealthy and borderline creepy. Frankly I'm a bit disturbed that the media loves covering Fanatical Islam.

Fanatical Muslims are also very popular amongst the terrorist in-crowd which sort of makes me think that regular Muslims would make bad terrorists because we have better taste than to listen to Lady Gaga or Justin Bieber. Ra ra ah ah ah.

Fundamentalist Islam

No harm in this really. It's nice to see Fundamentalist Muslims getting to the root of it all - math. Everything goes back to math and if it means to yell at kids who have strange hairstyles to make us all understand the fundamentals, then go for it.

Anyone that goes through math class seems to be a bigger target at getting scooped up by the terrorist squad so arts majors can rejoice!

Extremist Islam

Extremist Muslims are wild. They tend to do things that would make any normal human being quiver in their boots. Things like hang-gliding, snowboarding, crocodile wrestling and rollerblading are ripe for terrorist training grounds.

The X-Games are a hotbed for such terrorist-like activities. Stay away from the Extremists.

Militant Islam

Militant Muslims tend to be pose a problem for the West since well, they're just a teensy bit violent.

You know, unjustly attacking a country, killing innocent people over a vague reason that most people have forgotten about, spreading widespread panic and terror ... I'm talking about Militant Muslims here. Who were you thinking of?

Moderate Islam

Moderate Muslims are loathed by terrorists and makes pundits giddy. Apparently the "good guys", these guys know their role in society (suck up to the West).

Standing up for things like human rights could prove controversial so they take the silent route so they can fit in. They also enjoy swirling wine in their glasses and talking in an accent so posh that even Frasier Crane would blush.

And I suppose they like to golf in 1950's attire.

... Islam

I guess the pundits are about as confused as I am on this.

Ever gotten lost with terms like Radical Islam and Moderate Islam and Fundamentalist Islam and didn't know where you belong? Yeah, you must be a regular ol' Muslim who follows regular ol' Islam. How boring.

You mean it's possible to live in this society AND be a Muslim AND not adhere to some crazy violent ideology? But... how come I don't hear more about this? That's just ... crazy isn't it? I mean the media is fair and balanced isn't it?

I mean I'm not knocking the media. No sir. God Bless the West.