Muslims Cancel Eid to Please America

Written by: Hamzah Moin New York – In a move that was expected by many people, Muslims around the world have canceled their religious celebration known as Eid ul-Fitr to accommodate American sensitivities. “It was a natural thing to do,” said Imam Tariq Shakir, the lesser-known back-up Imam of Ground Zero Mosque, “Can you imagine what would happen if a bunch of Muslims were hooting and laughing on September 11^th?” Eid-ul-Fitr is a day that marks the end of Ramadan and it has been celebrated worldwide by Muslims for over 1400 years. Except this year. With the Islamic lunar calendar being 10 or 11 days shorter than the Gregorian calendar, Eid could potentially fall on September 11^th this year, depending on the moon sighting. “I have American friends who are very sensitive about September 11^th” said Imam Tariq, “My neighbour always cries when he looks at his watch and it says 9:11 so I don’t want to offend him.”

To make a couple of Americans even happier, the Muslim community in New York has agreed to shut down the Ground Zero Mosque. “I applaud the Muslim community for keeping Ground Zero a sacred place,” said Ground Zero mosque opponent Newt Gingrich. “Now we have a perfect spot to build a new McDonalds. Ba-ba-ba-ba-bah I'm loving it.”

Inspired by the Muslim community’s interest in not offending a single soul, the Christian community decided to close down churches in all areas with a high density of African-Americans. “The Ku Klux Klan did some not-so-nice things to black people a couple of decades ago,” explained priest Bob Parker, “The Klan doesn’t represent Christianity but they claim they do. That makes all Christians collectively guilty for the KKK’s behaviour for some reason. Thank you Muslims for inspiring us.”

Other Muslims are enjoying the new sense of belonging in America. “Who knew integrating with our fellow Americans would be so easy?” said Khalid Usman, “all I had to do was start shaving my beard and stop taking the airplane everywhere. It takes me a few months to get to South Asia by boat but at least Americans aren’t scared of me anymore.”

Local Niqabi Sajida Syed has also stopped doing suspicious Muslim things like giving to the poor and dropped the niqab getup in favour of a ninja outfit. “Ninjas are much more accepted in society and people are high-fiving me wherever I go now.”

Imam Tariq is optimistic about the future. “9/11 was hard for all Americans, both Muslims and non-Muslims.  Once all Americans agree to stop watching Fox News and getting scared out of their wits then we’ll all start living in greater harmony. Or until homeland security kicks out all the Muslims. Whatever comes first.”